I’ll be honest—sometimes, after a long day, I catch myself reaching for my phone instead of fully engaging with the person sitting across from me. Not because I don’t care, but because being present takes effort. It requires energy, focus, and a willingness to sit in the quiet spaces of connection. And some days, I’m just tired.
But I’ve also noticed how, in those moments, my phone doesn’t just fill the silence—it creates distance. It becomes an uninvited third wheel, one that neither of us asked for, but both of us feel.
How Phone Distraction Affects Relationships
It starts subtly. A quick scroll while waiting for dinner to arrive. A glance at notifications during a conversation. A habit of keeping the phone within reach, just in case. Over time, these tiny interruptions weave themselves into our relationships, shaping how we engage with the people right in front of us.
Sometimes, I reach for my phone not because I need to, but because it’s easier. When silence stretches a little too long, or a conversation starts to feel heavy, my phone offers a quick escape. However, I know that when I choose my screen in those moments, I’m not fully present—I’m prioritizing whatever’s on my phone over making the person in front of me feel seen.
Loneliness in the Presence of Someone Else
There’s something uniquely painful about feeling disconnected while sitting next to someone you love. It’s different from being physically apart. When a screen competes for attention, it creates a kind of emotional absence—the feeling of being near someone, but not with them.
Studies on relationships and technology have backed this up. Research on “phubbing” (phone snubbing) suggests that when one person turns to their device instead of their partner, it leads to lower relationship satisfaction, reduced emotional intimacy, and increased loneliness. And it’s not just in romantic relationships. It happens with friends, family, even our kids.
When we turn to our phones mid-conversation, even if only for a moment, what we’re really saying is:"Something else might be more important than this moment with you."
Even if that’s not what we mean. Even if we assert that we’re still listening.
Cultural Norms Around Phone Use in Relationships
Not every culture sees phone use the same way. Our expectations around device use are shaped by age, upbringing, and social norms.
📱 In some cultures, constant connectivity is expected. Ignoring a text or failing to answer a call—especially from family—can be considered rude.
📱 In others, in-person presence is a priority. Checking your phone during conversations might be seen as dismissive or even disrespectful.
📱 Generational differences also play a role. Younger people who grew up with smartphones may see digital interaction as part of everyday connection, while older generations may view it as intrusive or disengaged.
📱 Relationship expectations vary. Some couples are fine with casual phone use, while others expect full attention during quality time. When expectations aren’t aligned, conflict can arise.
Understanding these perspectives can help us navigate phone habits in relationships with more awareness and mutual respect.
The Power Dynamics of Phone Use in Relationships
Phone use in relationships isn’t just about distraction—it can also shift power dynamics in subtle ways. Sometimes, it’s not just about someone being “on their phone too much.” It’s about what that behavior signals, intentionally or not.
I’ve had moments where I’ve felt this imbalance myself. Like when I’m sharing something important, and the person across from me is nodding along, but clearly scrolling. Or when I see couples at restaurants, one person staring at their phone while the other looks out the window, waiting. It’s a small thing, but it carries weight—the feeling that one person’s attention is more divided, that the connection isn’t quite mutual.
It plays out in different ways:
💬 When one person is always on their phone, the other starts questioning their importance. If your partner is constantly checking messages, it can feel like you’re competing for their attention. Over time, that can create quiet resentment.
💬 Sometimes, excessive phone use is a way to avoid engagement. I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling emotionally drained or not ready to have a certain conversation, my phone suddenly becomes very interesting. I’ve seen this in relationships, too—one person retreating into their device when things feel tense, using it as a buffer against discomfort instead of leaning into the hard moments together.
💬 Phones can create unspoken power imbalances. Think about a couple where one person constantly checks work emails, justifying it as “important,” while the other is expected to be fully present. Or when someone scrolls through social media while their partner is talking, sending the unintentional message: I’m here, but not really. These patterns might seem small, but they slowly chip away at a sense of mutual care and respect.
💬 Technology can be used as a subtle form of control. In some relationships, phones become a way to monitor or test commitment. “Why didn’t you text me back right away?” “Who were you messaging so late?” A phone can turn into a scorekeeper, where every delayed response or missed call is interpreted as a lack of love.
These imbalances aren’t always intentional, but they matter. They shape how safe, valued, and connected we feel in our relationships.
If We Need to Be on Our Phones, How Do We Handle It?
🗣️ Acknowledge the moment. Instead of instinctively grabbing your phone mid-conversation, pause, make eye contact, and say, “Give me a minute, I need to check this, and then we can resume.”
📅 Plan for “zone-out time.” If you’re with a partner or friend for an extended hangout, set aside a designated time where both of you can check your phones guilt-free.
🔇 Silence unnecessary notifications. If you don’t actually need to check your phone, turn off non-urgent alerts during meaningful moments.
Breaking the Habit
I’ve been trying to be more mindful of those moments. Instead of automatically reaching for my phone, I pause and ask myself:
❣️ Am I using my phone as an escape? What am I feeling right now, and what is it urging me to do? Am I uncomfortable, bored, overwhelmed? Is this a habit, or is there something I’m avoiding?
❣️ If I pick up my phone, how will it impact the other person and this interaction? Will it shift the energy of the conversation? Will they feel dismissed, less important, or disconnected from me?
❣️ Would I do this in another setting—like an important meeting or with my manager? If not, why does it feel okay here? What does that show or say about how I’m valuing this moment?
It’s not about perfection—it’s about intention. Because presence isn’t about never using technology—it’s about making sure the people we love never feel like they’re competing with it.